A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY OF ELMO EPPS

Born on Christmas day, 1942, Elmo Epps was the product of a brief union between Seminole Princess Lavignia and a handsome cowboy of Scots-Cherokee descent. As was the custom at the time, father did not stick around for long, but later he did ride with the James Gang, and, although not credited on the album, was instrumental in laying down the back beat on Funk 49.

Thrown out of the Seminole tribe as a result of his questionable origins, Elmo was quickly adopted by a Swedish couple who resided in Duluth, Minnesota. Not entirely comfortable with his new surroundings, Elmo spent most of his time outdoors. He learned to ski, shoot, and tie up the laces on his own boots.

Although the blood lines were never quite clear, Mrs. Epps claimed to be a direct descendent of Swedish Queen Christina, benefactor to the famous French philosopher Rene Descartes. Descartes did all of his serious thinking in bed, as the climate in mediaeval Stockholm was not generally conducive to any productive activity that did not involve several layers of blankets. Descartes' most famous quote, "Cogito ergo sum," has been chronically mistranslated for centuries, and actually means, "Will one of you bastards put another log on the fire, or I'm moving right the fuck back to France!" Had Descartes been a scientist rather than a deep thinker, he would almost certainly have invented central heating. According to Mrs. Epps, despite the absence of modern philosophy as we know it to the present day, this would likely have made the world a better place.

Occasionally, Elmo would take the drive to Minneapolis-St. Paul to see a young rock star named Prince. He had a small dog which would urinate uncontrollably every time he fired the shotgun, and he called the dog Purple Rain. In a rare moment of inspiration, he conceived upon a plan to lace the dog's puppy chow with purple food dye. This he did, and soon every fire hydrant in the neighborhood took on a new hue.

As an adolescent, Elmo won the annual Duluth igloo building contest with an innovative two storey edition he termed "the duploo". As he took the dog to the building site, the result was notable not only for its revolutionary design, but also for its bright violet floors.

Elmo's new parents became acquainted with the Zimmerman family, who had a young son named Bobby. Elmo and Bobby became good friends, until Elmo, somewhat star-struck by his construction award, started stealing Bobby's Lego blocks to invent new igloo designs. Disillusioned and disaffected, Bobby changed his last name to Dylan and moved to New York City to sit at Woody Guthrie's palliative care bedside, eventually becoming the first Jewish hillbilly.

Elmo remains in Duluth, where he is the maintenance man at the North Duluth Community Center. When not out hunting, he wears a raspberry beret, enjoys duck legs, frog legs, and, of course, Karen's Legs. And yes, he can still turn a drywall screw.